My Experiences with Fetlife

In early September 2013 I joined an online fetish community known as Fetlife, short for Fetish life. This post outlines some of my experiences.

The Beginning

I started dating this girl. We were talking about past sexual experiences and she picked up on the fact that I’ve been treated like shit many times in the bedroom. She said I should join Fetlife because there were plenty of people there who would not be judgmental about my sexual kinks or sex in general. She made it sound like I could possibly use Fetlife as a support group, in a way.

Then come to find out the bitch is crazy and we stopped talking. Thank God. She is the most selfish person I’ve ever met. She will flip anything you say about yourself to be all about her.

After I stopped talking to her I was like, “Why not?” So I signed up, created an account, and within an hour I had found my first meeting. I was ready to go. I dove into the scene headfirst. Many people choose to join the website and lurk for a few months before starting their journey. That’s OK too, but it’s not my style.

Munch Experiences

I went to about 8-10 munches. Munches are the same as a Meetup group or regular meeting, but with a stupid name. The purpose of a munch is to invite people you want to have sex with out to eat at a restaurant in hopes of enticing them to go to a play party and later have sex with them. Err, I mean, munches are a place where you can socialize with people that have similar kinks as you, so you can feel accepted. A play party is a party where people walk around naked, get spanked, tied up, wanded, etc. It is a very open, free, and sexual environment. (Not everyone is naked)

TNG stands for “The Next Generation.” There are munches in this category all over the world. The age limits are 18-35. RLG stands for “Richmond Lifestyle Group” and is only really relevant to Richmond but I imagine other cities have something similar. There is no age limit at an RLG munch.

All of the munches I went to were at bars or restaurants.

  • RLG Anthony’s: I walked in and was greeted by the group owner, then I went to sit at a table. I sat across from three women. They proceeded to ignore me and talk about their Masters, the punishments he was giving them, how they went to a class for submissives, etc. Keep in mind this is literally my first experience at a munch. At the end a guy and his girl came in and sat down. We had a decent conversation but he is simply one of the “Dear god you need therapy” dominant guys.
  • TNG Fallout: Very cliquey, but for the most part people would talk to me if I came up to them. At one point a girl decided she didn’t like me because I was flirting with her friend. She made sure to make a scene of how much she didn’t like me. This socially ostracized me so I went home. Welcome to TNG. Keep in mind, this girl is easily 350lbs. That’s right. She probably gets off on telling people she’s “curvy.” What a dumb cunt.
  • TNG Gluttony: I came in a few moments late. Tables are lined up end-to-end. I had to sit at the end of the long table. I sat for 30 minutes. No one spoke to me, so I left. When I told the group owner about my experience later he didn’t seem to give a shit.
  • RLG Tripp’s: I actually had a decent time talking to people at this one, but at one point everyone got up and left around me, leaving me completely alone.
  • RLG Mi Hacienda: I showed up a minute late so I was stuck at the end of the tables. I sat across from two gentlemen I can only describe as “assholes.” I didn’t know anyone else there. I got my food, check, and left.
  • Poly-amorous group: This munch was by far the most welcoming, but since then no one talked to me. I suppose it’s because I’m monogamous and they don’t want to have sex with me :-)
  • TNG Fallout: Again people are cliquey. I was never engaged in conversation. People only talked to me because I went up to them.
  • TNG Gluttony: The night before, the owner of this group reminded everyone about the munch. The next night, I showed up at the previous location at 7:30. No one was there. There’s no way to find out the information online. I presume this munch is for the “cool people.”
  • RLG Anthony’s: People were nice to me when I talked to them, but it was up to me to go around and meet everyone.
  • RLG Tripp’s: I was seated next to a gentleman who was at his first munch ever. We talked and that was nice. He was actually a really nice guy. We didn’t talk to anyone else though, except for a few snide remarks about our conversation. At one point the munch leader walked over and proceeded to talk down his nose and make smart ass remarks to me because of the online discussion I had started. I left.

Play Party Experiences

  • Crucible College Night: This was my first play party and I have to say it was awkward for me. I had no problem talking to people. In fact I was tied up by a girl and spanked another. I just didn’t feel welcomed by anyone. It was up to me to talk to them. There were hot naked chicks walking all around, however, which was a bonus.
  • TNG Play Party: I showed up by myself and no one talked to me unless I approached them. I watched one scene with a friend. At one point in the evening I just sat by myself. Eventually a girl from Williamsburg showed up and we played, but it’s pretty painful showing up at an event like this and everyone breaks off into their own corners, activities, etc. and ignores you.

Dating in the Scene

I started dating two women in the scene and they are completely fucking insane. The second girl wasn’t as selfish as the first, but she was extremely strange. She’s a 24 year old virgin in a fetish scene if that gives you any hints. Neither relationship lasted more than a week. Be careful if you choose to date someone in the scene. It’s a minefield (for guys and girls). I talked to a domme and she said this scene tends to be a magnet for stupid people. You have been warned. I have since talked to a therapist about the fetish scene and she said many “doms” and “subs” have serious issues.

Tough Guys and Weak Girls

Men and women are genetically predisposed towards being dominant/submissive respectively. However, many guys I saw acted like they were “dom” or dominant but in fact a lot of them just have anger management issues and need to see a fucking therapist. Many of the girls aren’t “subs” or submissives, they just need help standing up for themselves and figuring out their life. I get the impression that these people need love and compassion in their lives and they are filling the void with rough sex and love the attention of getting tied.

Complaints

So I spoke with the leader of the RLG munches for approximately 2-3 weeks about my social problems/meeting people at munches. I let him know that I was having a hard time meeting new people at the munches and that the table configuration wasn’t helping.

My complaints fell on deaf ears. He didn’t give a shit because I’m not a young girl he wants to fuck. He and his wife are looking for their unicorn – a woman who likes both the male and the female in a relationship. When I spoke with him he seemed like a nice guy, but ultimately he didn’t give a shit about me or my problems. I know this for a fact, because I spoke with a cute young girl and when she went to these munches she got a personal invitation to sit next to the group leader. That’s funny, I was complaining for a while and he never once acted like he gave a fuck – he never helped me meet people, invited me to sit next to him, etc.

The leader from the TNG Gluttony munches just ignored me. The best way I can classify his demeanor is: shady. I spoke to him about my problems and he ignored me. He never once engaged conversation, it was always up to me to go up to him. Thanks for making me feel welcome, dipshit.

The Forum Discussion

I gotta say, I was pretty resourceful here. I was having a hard time meeting new people, so I set out to solve my problem. I started a forum discussion initiating the process of looking for a new munch location. I was specifically interested in changing the seating arrangement. The only places I could think of were Capital Ale House and another bar near my apartment. The discussion took off – in fact a bunch of people came on and said they’d love to go to Capital Ale House.

Then the bitch who doesn’t like me logged on, put down her foot-long sandwich and Diet Coke, then proceeded to mock me, siderail the conversation, and be rude. Then others logged on and voiced their concerns.

Whenever I talk about things that bother me, I get a lot of “well you need to understand other people’s feelings” and “you know some people like the long table configuration, this meeting location, etc.” Not a single fucking person in the entire community said “I’m sorry you feel this way/are having trouble, what can I/we do to help?

Conclusion

This group is all about sex. This group is not all about sex. Some people find their wives and husbands on here, but from my experiences, I’ve been treated with great disrespect. And if people don’t want to have sex with you, they don’t really care about you. This might only apply to the Richmond charters, but I suspect it’s like this elsewhere.

So I’m fucked, socially speaking. I stopped going to munches, deactivated my Fetlife account, and now I’m spending my time and effort towards other things. At least I had the chance to experience it.

Update

Since I’ve posted this article I’ve received a few comments. The people making the comments seem to have butthurt because I’m trashing their fetish community. When they make comments they get very defensive, use negative language, make accusations, make assumptions, and in general make false arguments to prove that their precious fetish scene doesn’t suck and that it’s all my fault. If you’d like to make a comment that is fine, but don’t be stupid about it.

9 thoughts on “My Experiences with Fetlife

  1. [This poster's original comment has my inline responses below]

    I apologize for the negative experiences you have. Regrettably, particularly with TNG given the age range, tends to be more than a little drama filled and catty. It tends to be a decent filter considering you do need to have a certain kind of thick skin for this lifestyle.

    Thanks for the concern. I’m on 4chan/b every day – I have a very thick skin.

    I do agree that in the scene people tend to be set in their ways and cliquish. We know who’s safe and who’s not, and every one you’ve met and seen has been new to the community before and had to go through the same things you did… make effort to be spoken to, respected, etc. When I first entered the scene, I didn’t know a single person, and spent my first few munches going up to other people going up to other people, talking and participating in conversation. My first party or two I sat in a corner and let people get used to me. Next thing you know it’s like I’d always been there.

    I do remember approaching you a few times at the TNG play party and carrying on a conversation a couple of times, but you often got distracted by things going on and different scenes, and I had a party to run, but I know my wife also talked to you a couple times as well.

    I am 99% sure I’ve never met you, I think you’ve got the wrong guy. I watched one scene at the TNG play party I was at, so I definitely think you’ve got the wrong guy.

    The lay out for gluttony munches could be better, that’s for sure, it’s not the most convenient for conversing and meeting new people, but we work with what the venue provides. As you can understand, the nature of our group makes us hesitant to rock the boat. Though, when you arrive at a munch and instantly refuse to eat and begin complaining about the food and talking down about it, people might not be as inclined to strike up a conversation with you. It also doesn’t help that at the munch you went completely silent and didn’t try to start up a conversation or become part of the ones going on, nor does it help you were noticed systematically going to almost every girl at the TNG play party and hitting on them, then moving down the line to the next one when it didn’t work.

    Again, I’ve never met you in person, so I’m 99% sure you have the wrong guy. But it’s funny – if people don’t talk to me it’s because I’m not outgoing. If I make an initiative and talk to people you chastise me. I can tell you’re really good at making logical arguments.

    The whole Chinese food incident is exactly what I’m talking about. The RLG Gluttony leader needs therapy. He’s not a dom, he’s a dick. He took my negative comments about the food as a personal attack. He just couldn’t accept the fact that I am different from him and appreciate good food.

    The people who were sitting at the end of the table by me were up getting food – none of them heard my comments, so your point is moot.

    As for RLGand it’s leaders, on their profiles it reads they’re pretty upfront about being sarcastic and to please not take it personal since it’s simply the way they communicate. To say they use the group as a meat market is laughable, though… there’s a lot less painful ways to hunt down fresh blood than running a group of nearly 1000 members and sacrificing every spare moment of your life organizing events where others can get their jollies off.

    So when I am ignored, but young 22 year old girls get special attention I should assume this is not a meat market?

    A big problem a lot of newcomers, mainly men who are genetically predisposed to dominance, have when emerging into the scene is they think they are special and fantastic and the community should bow down to them and fawn over the fact we’re being graced by the benevolence of their presence. Unfortunately, that’s simply not reality… no other sub-culture or social setting finds that acceptable, why should the kink and fetish community?

    I do not believe anyone should bow down to me. This doesn’t really apply to me.

  2. [This poster's original comment has my inline responses below]

    It’s a shame that fetlifers weren’t more welcoming to you or willing to take on board your comments. It really does suck, it’s a big deal to take a step and immerse yourself in a new community only to feel ostracized.

    Thank you for your message.

    Although I wonder whether people were just … picking up on your attitude. Like believing women who could enjoy a relationship with a married couple are “unicorns” – trust me, we exist aplenty –

    Statistically it is more likely that a woman will only like one of you than both of you in a relationship. Statistics is on my side here. Also, I only know of the terminology “unicorn” because a fellow Fetlifer mentioned it in conversation when talking about couples dating younger girls. So that’s how I learned about the term, and I think it’s cute. Deal with it. Also, how is this relevant to people not being more welcome?

    and identifying women in your life as bitches and/or insane.

    You have to understand this article was written in haste immediately after deactivating my account. The women I dated were not very nice to me, so I called them bitches. There were several other women in the scene that I adored and loved talking to. I did not want a relationship with them, I was just liked talking. You are making an incorrect assumption about me. Thanks.

    And this: “Men and women are genetically predisposed towards being dominant/submissive respectively.” Far from genetics, it’s down to socialisation – boys being encouraged to participate in rough play from a young age, girls being brought up with the notion that they should sit down & shut up & let a man control them in all aspects of life, including the bedroom.

    I believe you are referring to the traditional “Nature vs Nurture” debate. You are correct in stating that women and men are treated differently by society and I’m sure that affects them. However I’m not sure how your remark is really relevant to my situation. You obviously know a ton about psychology, though.

    So maybe think of that when you’re judging the dominant men and submissive women around you? Or, y’know, assume that everyone needs therapy because THAT is a fantastic attitude to have when you’re expecting to be welcomed into a community.

    I don’t think that everyone in Fetlife has mental issues or needs therapy. I never said that. You are making wild accusations at this point.

    Sexism and ableism aren’t the best foundations for involvement in fetlife. Maybe you should’ve lurked more.

    First of all I’m not sexist. I talked to many women in the scene without issue. Also, I see you using the word ableism but I’m not sure you know what it means. Saying that someone needs therapy is totally different from not talking to them/treating them differently. I never treated these people any different. In fact, one of my first interactions in the Fetlife scene was with a guy who I deemed “crazy” and we had a great time talking. I talked to these people/interacted with them just fine, so your point is moot.

    Maybe I should’ve lurked more, huh? So let’s see.. a group of people is not very nice or accepting of me, maybe I should hang around and see if they want to be friends. Dumbass.

    The most amusing thing about your comment is, it consists of two parts: 1. I’m sorry we treated you like shit, and 2. Oh yeah well you’re obviously a hater and you’re stupid and you smell and you’re a jerk. Your comment is nothing more than incorrect assumptions, generalizations, and red herrings.

  3. Heh loving this. While I agree with most of your points (and I am sorry that you’ve had a foul experience) I do respect your decisions considering your past experiences. I would personally invite you to a few drinks to just talk about it, hell even just hang with a few (what I deem anyways) experienced members of the community. But hey, there’s plenty of love to go around, I’m sorry again you didn’t happen to be in the midst of groups that are ‘equal opportunity’ in terms of friendships, relationships, and the like.
    There are some people who do have issues in this scene (I can testify no one is perfect, I myself am not a saint) but I encourage you to not shut off the kink community completely. So fetlife is not your thing… but hey, it doesn’t mean to not at least engage a little in that community (I’m only vaguely assuming those things based on your post and replies to other comments. I apologize if I may be incorrect with some things, just being helpful is all. :P )

  4. I have to agree with this user review. I have been on Fetlife for 2 years and in that two years I have been stalked by women who were after my Dom. I have had to put up with my Doms idiotic baby girl and her depression and cutting and her severe need for attention and leaving my Dom several times. I have deactivated my account because every time I go on there I experience nothing but emotional pain which is not why I signed up!!!! I seriously advise any potential kinkster to get themselves checked out by a therapist before embarking on this journey through the bdsm wonderland.

  5. I joined fetlife about 3 months ago… have come across a good number of people who are … lets be polite… different, but I’ve also me a girl a lot younger than me with whom i have a vanilla relationship outside of the bedroom… at her behest it’s master/slave in the bedroom (me as master)… so all in all its worked out well for me so far. I think you just have to assume there will be weirdo’s and ignorance from the start and try and find the gems (they are there) in amongst it

  6. I’m sorry to hear about how you were treated, man. I started exploring FetLife events in Baltimore about 5 years ago but was never really too active outside of the munches. I got to know a core group of people pretty well though, and unfortunately, they turned out to be really unethical. Lots of accusations of consent violations and even rape amongst its own “leadership” types, but never have I seen anything done about it because those “leader” types tend to stick together and protect each other and their friends from facing consequences for their actions. So yeah, I definitely witnessed a lot of the clique mentality and meat market atmosphere that you describe. Someone once told me that a lot of damaged people are drawn to the lifestyle and, sadly, they seem to be correct. In particular, I notice a lot of people with addiction issues show up, but maybe it’s more common here than in other areas… I don’t really know. All I do know is that the friends I kept from my time with those groups is a very short one and I’m much happier meeting people like I used to be before falling in with them. Life is a lot simpler that way, for me anyway.

  7. After almost two years and only partners I brought into the FL website (who then ended up getting so much damn attention that things went south) I would say I had a very similar experience. FOr a Kink website I expected a little bit more ease than lets say okc for hooking up with like minded people. Boy, was I wrong! Outside of browsing, meaningless “friends”, and some chit chat that always fizzled it was bleak. I’m not the type to be so direct and forward so maybe that was a problem? I had better luck with OKC and in fact the only people from fet I connected with were through OKC. My lady on the other hand found a lady and her priority fuck and have since been fucking them as a couple and separate….with no group fun for me :( .

  8. Yes Yes Yes.

    Everything you say. Double yes.

    The BDSM community seems to be largely a place for the maladjusted and stupid to go and feel special by being rude and superior to others.

    FetLife is a place where they can be even nastier because they are anonymous.

    And – the women – especially the so called submissive women are the nastiest of the lot. (Femdoms are the only one’s who seem to carry a shred of graciousness in these groups.).

    (BTW, I am a female sub who has better than passing good looks and a slim body weight… so, this sort of obnoxious behavior is not something that gets saved for the solo male….. )

    If you want BDSM community, good luck. I haven’t found one yet that I’d wish to belong to. Swingers groups are probably a better bet – they range in kinky, and are actually LOOKING to meet other people.

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